THE THREE WISE KATO'S
Voiceover: ‘Welcome to this year’s Great Warships of our Navy,
the Japanese edition. And as ever it is presented by the Minister of Navy. Let’s welcome the current Minister of Navy,
Admiral Kato Tomosaburo-sama!!!’
Crowd: *Applause*
Voiceover: ‘As usual, accompanied by his loyal aides
Kato-san and
Kato-san (as usual fighting with his friend)!!!!’
Crowd: *Applause*
Admiral Kato: ‘Thank you everyone. It is a great honor to host this year’s event. As usual the are a variety of categories in which a ship can become a winner. Whenever displacements are mentioned, we are referring to the ship’s
normal displacement.’
Kato (GH): ‘There are various categories and each category has several contenders. The winner will be decided based on the statistics available to us and with various categories based on the Jury's decision.’
Kaetuza: 'That's me.'
Kato (PP): ‘Awards are given in the following categories: “Greatest ship of the Navy” category, “Largest warship” category, “Smallest warship” category, “Fastest warship” category, “Slowest (complete) warship” category, “Greatest range at 15kts” category, “Shortest range at 15kts” category, “Most powerful ship” category, “Thirstiest ship at 15kts” category, “Most economic ship at 15kts” category, “Largest Carrier” category, “Smallest Carrier” category, “Largest Cruiser” category, “Largest light cruiser” category, “Smallest Cruiser” category, “Largest destroyer” category, “Smallest destroyer” category, “Most extras” category, “Most ridiculous extras” category, and “Most unusual color scheme” category.’
Admiral Kato: ‘We shall start with the first category. Kato-san!’
Kato (GH): ‘Ah yes. The “Most unusual color scheme” category. There were a great many contenders for this category. The first contender is the Kameko-chan with it’s unusual use of paint, mixing
red and white paint. And the other 405 contenders of the navy are the rest of the fleet using the usual boring dull gray paint.’
Admiral Kato: ‘Very good Kato-san. And the winner is…’ *opens envelope* ‘… The pink-colored Kameko-chan!!!’
Crowd: *Applause*
Kameko-chan captain (to his officers): ‘Shimatta!! Let’s get out of here quickly!’ *quickly leaves the hall*.
Admiral Kato: ‘Captain! Come forward!’
---Kameko-chan captain nowhere to be seen.---
Admiral Kato: ‘… Ehm… we could always… send it by mail to him… I suppose…’
Empress Kameko: *appears out of nowhere* ^_^ ‘Yay! I will take that award. The ship does happen to belong to me.’ *snatches award* ‘It is a great honor to receive this award. I’d like to thank my family and friends and the ship’s crew and the designers without whom, this would not have been possible. Thank you!’ *goes back to seat*
Admiral Kato: ‘… Your majesty… thank you for accepting the award’ *bows* ‘Kato-san, the next category, please.’
Kato (PP): ‘The “Most extras” category. Not many contenders in this category though. The first contender is the Kameko-chan with all the extras for Her Majesty the Empress. The second contender is the Go-ni class, special coastal troop-carrying vessel with many extras for the brave troops aboard.’
Admiral Kato: ‘… That’s it?’
Kato (PP): ‘That’s all of them.’
Admiral Kato: ‘… And the winner is…’ *opens envelope* ‘… The Kameko-chan again!!!’
Crowd: *Applause*
Admiral Kato: ‘Very popular ship, despite the dubious color.’
Empress Kameko: *appears out of nowhere* ^_^ ‘Yay! Another award for me.’ *snatches award* ‘It is a great honor to receive this second award. I’d like to thank my family and friends and the ship’s crew and the designers without whom, this would not have been possible. Thank you!’ *goes back to seat*
Admiral Kato: ‘… thank… you…’
Kato (GH): ‘The admiral seems to be lost for words… so we shall move on to the next category: the “Most ridiculous extras” category. Not many contenders in this category either. The first contender is the Kameko-chan… with the 12 inch armored swimming pool, the 17 inch armored bedroom for the empress, the armored guard deck, the stables, and various other dubious extras. The second contender is…’ *looks at paper* ‘There are no other contenders.’
Admiral Kato: ‘… And the winner is… well, I won’t bother to open the envelope for this category. Again the Kameko-chan.’
Crowd: *Applause*
Admiral Kato: ‘Very popular ship indeed, despite the embarrassing color.’
Empress Kameko: *appears out of nowhere* ^_^ ‘Yay! And another award for me!’ *snatches award* ‘It is a great honor to receive this third award. I’d like to thank my family and friends and the ship’s crew and the designers without whom, this would not have been possible. Thank you!’ *goes back to seat*
Admiral Kato: ‘… standard speech…’
Kato (PP): ‘The following category is…’
Admiral Kato: ‘Let’s just move on to the last category. We’ll post all the winners on the large announcement board outside, tomorrow.’
Kato (PP): ‘Very good, boss. The following category is the “Greatest ship of the Navy” category. The selection has been narrowed down to the next classes: The Fuso-class, the Nagato-class, and the Zuiho-class.’
Admiral Kato: ‘… And the winner is…’ *opens envelope* ‘… And it’s clear that someone has bribed the Jury… for it is the Kameko-chan!!’
Crowd: *Applause*
Empress Kameko: *appears out of nowhere* ^_^ ‘Yay! And another award for me!’ *snatches award* ‘It is a great honor, etc. You know the speech...’
Admiral Kato: ‘… I think I’m going to retire now…’
Greatest Warship of the Navy (due to bribery): Kameko-chan
Largest warship: Nagato (45,945t) *
Smallest warship: Shi-ichi (330t)
Fastest warship: Kamikaze/Minekaze (32kts)
Slowest (complete) warship: Ie ni (14kts)
Greatest range at 15kts: Zuiho (22,905nm) **
Shortest range at 15kts: Ki-ichi (1,240nm)
Most powerful ship: Nagato (18,532 lbs broadside)
Thirstiest ship at 15kts: Fuso (2.366nm per ton)
Most economic ship at 15kts: Shi Ichi (40.889 nm per ton)
Largest Carrier: Zuiho (33,943 t)
Smallest Carrier: Hosho (9,507t)
Largest Cruiser: Jakumo (13,750 t)
Largest light Cruiser: Kameko-chan (8,823t)
Smallest Cruiser: Tenryu (6,638t)
Largest destroyer: Minekaze (1,920t)
Smallest destroyer: Ki-ichi (651t)
Most extras: Kameko chan
Most ridiculous extras: Kameko-chan (armored swimming pool, armored bedrooms, etc)
Most unusual color scheme: Kameko-chan (pink)
* If my guess is correctly, then Nagato’s normal displacement makes her bigger than Hood.
** The main reason for that range is to get the Zuiho under 27,000 tons. Big shocking fact: Nagato the Boiler is not in second place! Fuso comes in second and snatches the ‘Boiler Award’ with 17,200nm at 15kts and Nagato is a sloppy third with a mere 15,295nm at 15kts.